


leave my body (leave my bones)

by inkk



Category: Bandom, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - Fandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Killjoys, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 23:27:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3669111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkk/pseuds/inkk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it was never supposed to go like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	leave my body (leave my bones)

**Author's Note:**

> this work is basically about gender/body dysphoria, so please be warned if that's a trigger for you!  
> side note: i just really love trans!kobra and i do feel bad about making him suffer ;-;

+

Eventually, there are no more hormones in the Zones; no suppliers or beautiful chemical injections, no meet-ups in the desert and no miraculous tablets to be swallowed.

 

For the first time in a while, Kobra feels the desperation clawing at the back of his throat.

 

+

 

"What's it like?"

 

"The dysphoria?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"I can't explain it, really. I don't think you could understand."

 

+

 

Ghoul chuckles, deep and throaty, pressing closer for yet another bruising kiss.

 

"The others won't be back for at least a couple hours," he says, panting slightly. His pupils are blown wide like little black holes and he's grinning, sharp and wicked and so hot Kobra forgets to breathe.

 

"Anything."

 

+

 

"Don't get me wrong, the human body is a beautiful thing. I just don't belong to mine."

 

+

 

Ghoul thought maybe things would be okay.

 

+

 

"I can feel my body changing back, you know that? More and more every single day."

 

+

 

"Sometimes I wonder whether it's worth it."

 

+

 

"I'm disgusting," he snarls at his reflection, blunt fingernails digging into the new softness of the flesh at his hips as tears well in his eyes. "I hate this."

 

"Hey, hey. Don't be like that, it's okay," Ghoul shushes him, pulling his thin wrists away, "You're okay."

 

Kobra jerks feebly but doesn't move away, catches sight of the way his nails leave little crescent-moon indentations in the skin of a body he never asked for.

 

Everything is very far from okay.

 

+

 

He hardly sleeps anymore, and when he does he wakes up even more tired than before.

 

He's exhausted to the bone.

 

+

 

 

"Kobra?"

 

Knocking on the bathroom door. Four times. Gentle.

 

"Kobra, are you okay?"

 

Ghoul. Concerned. Always so concerned.

 

He lets out a strangled laugh, high-pitched and devoid of any amusement as it echoes off of the dingy walls.

 

"I'm coming in now, alright?"

 

The door nudges open and Ghoul appears, silently taking in the way Kobra is slumped on the wall beside the toilet with his pants and underwear down to his ankles.

 

Kobra doesn't move, instead allowing his head to fall to the side and giving a humourless giggle that sounds like broken glass to his own ears.

 

"I guess I'm a real woman now," he says bitterly, raising one hand and then letting in fall limply back to the filthy tile.

 

He ignores the prickle behind his eyes, the way his voice trembles and drops off into silence, the thick, heady stench that hangs in the air.

 

 

_A real woman._

 

 

Ghoul's eyes widen marginally, flicking down to the crimson mess staining the fabric of Kobra's underwear.

 

His face crumples.

 

"Oh, fuck."

 

 

_Woman._

 

 

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry."

 

 

_Woman._

 

 

And then he's laughing and he can't stop, even as tears spill from his eyes and his chest heaves and he can't breathe but these whimering, broken, gasps keep on coming out, tearing themselves from his throat like razorblades between gritted teeth --

 

Ghoul presses a kiss to his temple and winds an arm around his shoulders ( _too thin, always too thin_ ), cradling him closer as he sobs.

 

+

 

It's not fair, he wants to scream. 

It's not fair that they were all born into their bodies while he had to fight so hard for his. 

It's not fair that they're all effortlessly masculine, that they're comfortable and confident with their bodies, that they were born _right_.

 

It's not fair.

 

+

 

They haven't had sex for three months.

 

+

 

"It's going to be alright," says Ghoul, with such utter conviction that Kobra is tempted to believe him.  
"It's going to be okay."

 

 

He nods even though his heart is breaking, smiles through the tears and tries to think of something to say.  
The words are lodged in his throat, beneath his tongue and stuck behind his teeth and he doesn't think it's ever been this hard to speak.

 

+

 

Ghoul's losing him.  
He knows, can see it happening right in front of him like a train wreck but there's nothing he can do to stop it.  
He hopes for minimal casualties, instead.

 

+

 

"C'mon, baby, take off the covers."

 

_No response._

 

"It's been two days, Kobra. You need to get up, okay? Please. You have to eat."

 

_This broadcast has been interrupted for a brief message from BL/Ind._

 

A whimper. Pain.  
"Don't want you to see me like this."

 

"Kobra, baby, don't say that. I love you no matter what you look like, remember? You're always going to be the same man to me."

 

_Radio silence._

 

"I love you, baby."

 

_Fading, fast._

 

"Anything."

 

_More static fuzz; the sound of a voice breaking in two like pieces of a heart._

 

+

 

 

He's sitting in the diner when the radio begins emitting familiar crackling, whining sounds - the sign of an impending broadcast.

 

They were supposed to be back five hours ago.

 

It was never supposed to go like this.

 

 

 

" _Bad news from the Zones, tumbleweeds..._ "

 

 

 

Ghoul drops to his knees and retches.

 

 

+

 

It wasn't supposed to end like this.

 

+

 

There's no point in going out to look for bodies they won't find, so instead he and Poison silently agree to set a few personal belongings in one corner of the diner alongside shrivelled plants.

 

(Worthless junk, all that's left of his best friend and his lover.)

 

Every time Ghoul catches a glimpse of their tiny, pathetic memorial he feels a spark of physical pain. He can't breathe, can't speak, can't move and it feels like as if someone is squeezing his heart--

 

_Stop._

 

Breathe. 

 

In, out. In, out.

 

+

 

"Ghoul?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Did you love him?"

 

 

"Yes."

 

+

 

 

 

The blanket stops smelling like him after five days.

 

+

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos are very appreciated.  
> thank you for reading!


End file.
